Sixteen

Tomorrow is my 16th birthday, and I honestly can't believe it. Like wow. But what is even more amazing is thinking about where I was at this time when I turned 15. I was a freshman, stressing about my biology final, wondering what the next year would bring, not even thinking that coming to Sweden would be in the cards. I think that that just goes to show how quickly things can change. I mean, I guess this wasn't a very quick change, I knew it 6 months before I was coming to Sweden, but it is still very drastic. But anyway, in my mind 16 is kinda a big deal, I mean if I was in Alaska I would be able to drive by myself and just for some reason is seems like 16 is just SO much older than 15 even though it really isn't. Still just some teenager. It's not like tomorrow I'm going to wake up and look totally different (well, I hope not), I'm not going to feel any different probabaly, or act any differently. Which makes me wonder why our society today makes such a big deal about birthdays. Like "wow, you lived another year! Congrats, let's give you presents for doing absolutely nothing besides getting older which is something everyone does!" Don't get me wrong, I love birthdays, I just don't quite get why we as people make such a big deal. I mean, I have never seen a squirrel or a moose set up birthday decorations and sing happy birthday.

It's going to be quite weird celebrating without my parents this year. Not having them come into my room at zero dark thirty, singing 'ja, må hon leva' while I pretend to be asleep until they scream at the end of song and eating cake and openin presents before school. It's almost like it doesn't feel real, that it's not actually my birthday tomorrow. 

 

So, a side note. I actually did write this post a month ago the day before my birthday with total intentions of posting it, I just didn't and I haven't gotten around to it in a while. (clearly, so sorry about that) I do want to say something about my actually birthday now that is is over and done with. 

My birthday was a great day, lots of congratulations, a wonderful dinner and celebration with great family friends but, I want to share a story with you. The morning of my birthday, I was waiting for my bus, just standing there like any other day and it kind of hit me like a train that wow, I'm not going to see my friends for another 6 months, I haven't seen my parents in 4 months and how excited I was to see them. I honestly almost started crying, which is something I hardly ever do or feel like doing. It was this time of great celebration, because as I said society just loves to make a grand deal about birthdays but, I couldn't help but feel this great feeling of sadness and joy all at the same time. It was confusing to say the least. Especially since in the U.S. 16 is kind of a age where you are expected to gain more responsiblity (I mean, they let us drive on our own), be more grown up, and yet still expected to abide by all of these rules set by schools and by our parents. It's almost as confusing as the feelings of sadness and joy I was feeling that morning at the bus stop. So, that was my birthday, I am going to write a whole separate blog now depicting my time here in Sweden with my family and the time afterwards, so I'll talk with you there! 

ONE HUNDRED + THANKSGIVING

Okay, I first want to say how sorry I am for taking so long to update. It has just been crazy and whenever I sat down to write, I either could not think of anything to write, or whatever I did write was just plain bad, so I ended not posting it. Sad, but truthful. Sorry to all!

Last week I had my 100th day in Sweden. To me, that is just crazy. Just thinking about everything that has happened so far and everything that is to come just astounds me, being able to be here and able to be going through all these wonderful, sometimes though experiences. 100 isn't that big of a number in the long run of life, that I know, but right now, right here, it is a big accomplishment for me. Just thinking about how much has happened in these 100 plus days makes me wonder what will happen in the next 100.

Today is Thanksgiving in America and it just makes me think about how thankful I am to be here. I am missing my family a lot, especially today, because thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays but, only 19 days till I get to see them!!! YAY!

I have recently been walking around a lot, just exploring the different areas of town and taking pictures. I have come to really love walking, it really clears my head and lets me think and just listen to some music without distractions. It makes me almost forget everything crazy going on, like missing my friends and family and just try and focus on the positives.

Being here in Sweden has made me really get into photography, as some have probably noticed if you follow me in other places... It is just something I really like to do. I know some must be thinking, oh geez, just another teenager with an iPhone, which is basically what I am now, but I do really want to get better and be able to express myself through the photographs I take. I read this quote that I really love and it goes like: "A camera stops time when we can't," - Mark Polish. That quote really sticks with me. It is so simple yet it says so much. Taking photos to me is exactly that, being able to stop a moment in time when you capture an image. I can't really describe it, but there is just this beauty in photos to me that just makes me really love taking them.

Well, this was a very scattered and short blog, I will be posting more blogs now, hopefully, I cannot make promises, but I do try very hard to post them, they just sadly get pushed to the bottom of my to do list. I hope everyone in America eats their little hearts out today, stuffing themselves with all the wonderful Thanksgiving food. Everyone can eat my portion too! :) Talk (write?) to you guys soon! ~ 

And it goes on

The past month has been interesting. I guess not in the sense of "oh, I went skydiving yesterday and today I'm going swimming with sharks," it's more in the way of how I am starting to adapt to life over here. It's becoming normal to me. Speaking and listening to Swedish is getting easier and every week I seem to be learning quicker and quicker. It's like this uphill battle is finally coming to a plateau. It's weird how we has humans can get used to a new thing or situation so quickly. Well, I mean, relatively quickly in my case... I once read this article with this study on human adaptation. They got a group of people together and had them put on glasses that made the world look upside down to them. It took most of the people three days to adapt to the new glasses and after those three days they started to see the world right side up again. Then, they were told to take off the glasses. And you know what happened? Their world turned upside down again without them. And again, it took three days for them to get used to it and see the world right side up again. I love that story, it's crazy to think that not only on an emotional level does it take time to get used to something and then things tend to go back to normal, but also on a biological level. 

I keep thinking about what I'd be doing at certain moments if I was back in Alaska right now. Like, would I be liking the classes I would've taken? How much friend drama would be going on? How would swimming be going? I constantly think about how my life would be different if I hadn't come. But, I also have the weird thought of what if my life was reversed? What if I was from Borås, and I grew up here and this year I would be an exchange student in Alaska? Would I have the same friends? Would I have the same worries and woes as I had coming over here if I was going over there? It's just a totally weird concept to think about. 

I am though, beginning to really miss everyone at home. I miss just having conversations with people. I even miss the people I don't interact with on a daily basis but, just see in the hallways at school, that comfortable similarity. My heart almost aches at times when I think about what my friends are doing. Like, just thinking about all the conversations I'm missing, all the joys and heartbreaks, it's a pretty sucky feeling to have. But, I must say that this last month had made me realize that it's all worth it. Missing everyone is so worth what an awesome adventure this is. That may sound selfish, but I feel like it's more compensating and trying to see the sliver lining. 

In a week I have Höstlov, which is a week off from school and I am going to Germany to visit an exchange student who was at Service last year for the week. (I know, 2 1/2 months in Sweden and I already want to get out) ;) No just kidding. I think one of the best things about living in Europe is that the rest of Europe isn't too far away. No jetlag, no super expensive and long flights. It's awesome. It's funny, what all of us Americans idolize about Europe, most people over here idolize about The States. It's just like with girls and their hair, girls with curly hair want straight hair and girls with straight hair want curly. Humans seem to me like they want what they don't have. But, I think it's good to idolize about things like other countries and keep that hope and exploration open. 

So, I'll keep adapting, idolizing, and hopefully learning, all the while having one of the best experiences of my life. 

Language

The human brain amazes me. How, we as humans, as little kids even, are able to learn language. How the brain is able to make since of this crazy gibberish, called English or Swedish or even Arabic, coming out of somebody's mouth, and in turn make that same gibberish come out of our mouth as well. Like, that's insane! And I am now just realizing that, because well, I guess my brain is doing the same thing. It's insane how that works, how even though I've only been in Sweden for a month and a half, and I am able to order at restaurants, buy clothes, check out at the grocery store, and even somewhat understand my teachers (with the exception of physics, but I'm not sure I would understand that class in English either so...;)) I just don't think there is any good way to express this matter over text, expect for to say how much this whole language thing astoundes me. And those who have heard me discuss this matter know how weird I find it. 

The other thing that totally wigs me out is how, not only with Swedish, but with any given language, that it is the respective person's English. That that is the way they think, and dream. They don't spend time translating everything into English and then understand. They just hear it and understand it, I mean I know that's how English is with me, but it's just so weird. I must sound like a crazy person right now, but it's true, I just cannot fathom these ideas in my brain. At. All. 

Anyways, I was also thinking about how we as humans are creatures of habit. And I myself am oh so very much a creature of habit. Take right now for instance, I am sitting in the café that I go to pretty regularly, sitting in the exact same place that I have always sat in with the same exact music blaring in my ears. But, that comforts me, how the situation around a person can change so drastically, but the person doesn't seem to change all that much. How, even though I am 4,000 miles away from home, I am still the same person. My music tastes haven't changed, my "sense of humor" hasn't changed, and even the way I learn and keep notes hasn't changed. I might've acquired some new habits, like drinking coffee and milk (I know, weird right?!), eating boiled potatoes, and dressing a little nicer. But, should we really call those type of things changes or evolutions? Do humans ever really change, or do they just evolve? And I know, I know, every scientist will say, "you yourself are not evolving, you are the result of it," but this is on an emotional level. Even if those "changes" are for the worse, you are still evolving from your former self. (Wow, am I babbling, or what?!) 

And so, I continue to evolve, and adapt to my surroundings.  

Potato, Potato

Have you ever heard the joke with the blond, brunette, and the red head, and the police are chasing them so they run into a barn and the brunette hides with the pigs, the red head with the cows and the blond in a bin of potatoes? (yeah, I thought so, but I'll keep going.) So, when the police come into the barn they look in the pig pen, but all they hear are pigs so they move on. Then, they look with the cows but again, all they hear is mooing. But, when they go to look in the bin of potatoes, the blond goes 'Potato, Potato!' ... All in all, not one of the best jokes but, still kinda funny.

I thought a little joke at the beginning would make this easier to write...because to be honest here, I cannot think of anything to write. Life has been mundane. Well, mundane as it can be in a foreign country. I've been going to school, swim, hanging out with friends and family, everything is going quite well. Expect, I feel as if I am just going through the motions of life, and not really living it. I feel as if I'm on a boat out at sea, and in the distance to my left is the USA and everything comfortable to me and on the right, not so far away into the distance is Sweden and everything not to comfortable. I can't make up my mind. I still feel as if I'm coming home in the near future. It is like I am unconsciously not trying to make a lot of ties over here, because my brain still thinks that I'll be home with everything I'm used to in a month or two.

Don't get me wrong, coming home has crossed my mind more than a lot. I constantly go from feeling like I can make it the year to searching Delta for the next available flight. It is that constant change in my mind that frightens me. I'm halfway in between. Stuck. But, the challenge is good for me. I do like that it is harder than I thought. I couldn't live with myself if I came home.

Not to sound like a broken second but, everything over here is so different. Hell, even my last name changed. And that freaks me out, it seems as if its not really me over here. Lets just say its been kinda hard adjusting to things, even little things like the cadence of peoples voice, and the way swedes suck in air to agree with you, instead of just nodding in agreement.

But, life goes on, each day arises a new challenge and sometimes, a new victory. 

Rain, Rain, Go Away

So, I have made the executive decision of only having one blog post a week. I decided that writing two a week, plus all of the other things I have going on would be too much. Besides, who wants to read about my life twice a week? I cannot think of anyone except probably my mother...

Everything has been getting better each day. I'm starting to get used to life here. Starting to know where things in town are (not that Borås is a huge town), and I'm getting to know people in my class. I must say though, that it is weird walking around in a school where you don't know really anyone. I mean, I might not know everyone at Service, but when I walk in the hallways there I recognize people, I see similar faces. Here, there's a new blonde around every corner. I also miss being with different people in every single class. That variety of types of people depending on what class you are in, ranging from Seminar to Choir. It's also strange having a different schedule everyday, it teaches you to like the steadiness of having the same classes at the same time everyday. But, life is starting to become more comfortable. I'm getting used to not seeing Oreos and peanut butter on a regular basis, and those gorgeous mountains we take far to for granted in Alaska.

Its funny to hear People talk about The States here. They say we have everything, that is must be better because its America! They seem to forget I'm from Alaska; land of the midnight sun and absolutely nothing to do besides fishing and camping on the weekends. (Not saying I don't like fishing and camping...but still, Alaska is very different from the rest of The States.) 

I love being around so much family here. I don't have any extended family is Alaksa so it's a very nice change. Being able to get to know them. I've always felt so unattached from the family life over here. 

It's amazing how much the weather changes here. Take today, it was pouring down rain this morning and cold, and now, it's sunny, a little windy and quite warm. And people don't think of takin about the weather as a bad thing, as a conversation killer. It's very much a conversation starter. Like, "oh hey, it was raining 15 minutes ago and now it's super sunny? What's up with that?" Is totally cool and actually really interesting here. 

My mom left on Saturday morning and let me say that I miss her. More than I thought. We all might bag on our parents, especially our moms as teenagers but, we do love them,

deep down. And I realize how much I took her for granted. That, you know, if something goes wrong, it will be okay, because mom is there. That if you need a shoulder to cry on, she's there. It's a very drastic change. But, I'm sure like everything else I'll get used to it. It just might take longer than, let's say, not having peanut butter and toasters. 

Regardless, life gets easier. It goes on. 

Deer in the Headlights

I am finally in Sweden! I must first apologize for the incredibly long wait inbetween updates, life has been very hectic. This wonderful adventure has finally started and let me just say it has been mind-boggling. There is only so many new things one can take in during a week and a half day period and I think I probably surpassed that in the first hour. It is definitely interesting to see how life works here. To see how different it is from The States. Not only the things in stores and cars, you know, material things, but the people as well. It's a different pace of life over here. Slower. You know, people sit and have coffee with each other during the day and sit and talk for hours over food. People are outside more. I mean, they hardly ever use tumble dryers over here! They have a different outlook on life. I'm not quite sure how to explain it. Expect for it's different. But in a good way.

School started on Thursday and let me say that was very overwhelming. Just so many new things and people and classes and all in Swedish. But, of course I need to learn some how, Right? It was a lot to take in that is for sure. But, only time will help, I'll get into the routine of life. It is a bit odd finally meeting everyone that I have only known over the Internet. Seeing everyone in 3D and what they sound like, its like ive only been watching a show with I sound and now that the sound is turned on I get so much more out of it. It's odd, but in a good way. 

It's been great seeing my family. I love finally meeting everyone, and let me say there is a lot of people to meet. The Wangstrom's are not a small family in the least that is for sure. It's been nice though, seeing everyone, I'm not used to having so much family around that it is definitely a very nice change. To know, that there are people there for me, even when my immediate family is back in the states. 

On the more materialistic sides of things, I am just now noticing how everything tastes a little different here. Everything smells a little bit different. A little fresher. It's very much a culture shock, but a nice shock, to see how much variety the world has. And that is really great. To experience a new culture. To be able to get away from America. Not that I don't miss Alaska. I already do. More than I thought I would actually. I miss the mountains, the ocean, and Moose's Tooth pizza. :) 

So to say the least things have changed a lot. But, in a good way. I like the differences. "Out with the old, and in with the new" I guess. I'm adjusting to life over here, and I can't wait to see what else is has in store for me. I'll write on Wednesday. I PROMISE!! ~ Zoë 

Anticipation

I want to explain to everyone how I will being doing this blog this year. But, in all truth I am explaining this as much to you guys as I am myself. So, I believe that I will try my hardest to put up blogs on Wednesdays and Saturdays. But, that might not happen, I might have no ideas on one of those days or have a ton on another, you know how it goes. I hope that this will work out, I am trying to make a goal for myself. Doing this blog will be a challenge for me, but I really want this time to be documented, so I will try my hardest to keep it up.

So, I just got home from a month of being out of town. Its really just hitting me that I have 17 more days in the states. That. Is. Crazy. I can't believe it. Or, maybe I don't want to believe it. I almost want time to stop. To be stuck in these 17 days for just a little while longer. I know, that once I get over there I will feel fine, that I am just getting nervous for silly reasons. But, those silly reasons are making me anticipate. You can never know how something will go until you are there. I guess, its one of the times when you can't wait to get there but, afraid that once you're there you will wish you were in the other place. If that even makes any sense.

17 days...I wonder what I will do. I wonder who I will see, how I am going to get all my packing done.

I have to admit that I am going to miss the little things. My bed, the water pressure of my shower, the way my house smells like no other house. My friends at school, how even though we don't have seating assignments everyone never fails to sit in the exact same place everyday. My swim team, procrastinating to get into the water, missing high school season. The snow, no matter how much I hate it when its the middle of winter, I always miss the snow when its gone. My room, how it never fails to be a tornado or organized chaos. Alaska, I will miss it in general. The way the roads seem to never be even, the mountains, the glorious sunsets.

Anticipation is key. Sadness is a must. Making the most of what time I have left is what matters the most.

This Is The Start...

So, its a month till my exchange year starts. I have no idea how to describe the emotions going around in my head. On one hand I am so excited to leave and start this new adventure in my life. On the other hand I feel as if I might throw up and pee myself. I can't wait, yet I want time to stop. To be in two places at once, to be at home and in my new home at the same time. I still have a month, yet I feel as if the 12th of August is barreling towards me like a high speed car.

I have so much to get done and so little time to do it. I am afraid that I won't be able to see everyone I want to see before I leave and not get everything done. I'm afraid that I'll leave my favorite sweater at home or that I still don't know enough swedish. That I'll be the awkward one out, that I won't fit in at all. That the accent I have and the clothes that I wear won't be the same. But, despite all these fears, this is the one thing I want to do. This is been in my head ever since I was little. My life is a collection of experiences and I so want this one to be apart of it. I want to be able to say I did it. Its the doing that will be the challenge. And, I am ready for it. I so want this challenge, it makes the reward worth so much more. I want to be able to come out of the other side of this experience not regretting anything, or fretting upon the things I didn't do.

But, I also fear being forgotten and being out of touch. I mean, with the internet nowadays its so simple to stay in touch at the tip of your finger tips (this blog being a prime example), but that is nothing compared to face to face contact. Being able to be in the same room with your friends, be at school with the people that you have gotten to know so well is so fantastic. And being absent from that for a year freaks me out. Everyone will change, myself included, but there is a difference between changing in two different parts of the world than changing side by side.

I feel as if this may seem like a plea to stay, or a me regretting my decisions, but that is not true. Everyone has fears, if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough, right? But, there is nothing more that I would rather do than go on this exchange.

I guess I am also a scared for my education. I am afraid of being behind. I mean, I am getting all my classes over there, but it will be a load learning in swedish, keeping up with the classes I was going to be taking at service, an online class, and doing two sports. But, being busy is fun, I just hope it doesn't wear me down too much.

So, this will be the spot to follow my woes, my worries, and my strides during this year and most likely afterwards. I mean, who blogs anymore anyways so I hope this will be fun for who ever decides to read it.