Christmas & New Year

Last week marked my official half way point in this journey. Which was kind of strange to think about. On one hand, I feel like these past five months have gone by crazy fast, and all been kind of a blur, a good blur, but the months have melded together. And on the other hand, to think that I still have five months to go is crazy, do not get me wrong being here is incredible and great, but that does not mean it has not been hard. I have grown a lot in these past five months and I feel like I am finally in a place where I can except that not everything in life is going to go as planned and sometimes tough times are for the best.

But, what was really great is that I got to see my family over Christmas, and those three weeks were very very nice. Probably the quickest three weeks that I have ever been through but, still lovely. It was strange having my parents back at first, you definitely get used to not having them around. I learned that I can function and be fine without them but, that does not mean it wasn't great having them around. I really missed just going with to the grocery store with my mom, making silly puns with my dad, and having family card nights. Or just simple things like a hug from my mom or just sitting around in the living room talking with everyone. Christmas was definitely a great time, and it was nice to celebrate it here in Sweden for sure. 

It was weird not being in Alaska for Christmas. All the traditions weren't the same. Going to church on Christmas eve, singing the candlelight Joy to the World, coming back home and having traditional Swedish Christmas with us and twenty-two of our closest friends. Playing Tomten and pretending to get everyones name's wrong, and ending the night with the family opening presents. There is this feeling in the air about Christmas time back at home, putting up the Christmas tree, opening advent socks, and just this over all vibe about the time that was missing this year. It might have had to do with the just awful weather we had, rainy all the time and no snow, totally not what I call Christmasy weather.

New Year was a little different. I got very sick on New Year's Eve, staying pretty sick until just the end of this week. That made everything hard. Not being able to do a lot with my family, just sitting at home feeling bad is not exactly how I wanted to spend the last week with them. Honestly, when my parents left this time around it was ten times as hard as when they left back in August. Because, I got a taste of what is was like to have them round again, and I really liked it. I liked being here with them, it was comforting. So the week after they left was super hard. And that is really hard for me to admit, especially on the Internet. You know, writing this is way different than saying it someone and getting immediate response. On the Internet, I write something and wait to see what people are thinking. And, I am not really one to admit when I am having a hard time, or even really ask for help. Which is honestly why I probably have not been writing these blogs. I feel like all I had to say were struggles, and I really hate that. I hate it because I was having the struggles and because I felt like I didn't have to talk about them. I feel like I will always be reluctant to ask for help, and this is no way is a cry for one, it is just a way for me to describe how I am feeling and that maybe it will help, which it is. 

I am doing better now, not being sick has really made a difference in how sad I was. It was just tough because you always want your mom when you're sick, to help you and comfort you, and mine had to leave right in the thick of everything. Which sucked for sure, but now I am doing better and really looking forward to the next 5 months.

We finally booked my flight home. (I know, crazy!!) Its weird to think that this year finally has an end date to it now. For the past five months its really only been a soft date of yes, I know I am leaving once school is done, but now that I have an actual flight it seems to make a huge difference in my brain. (Why that is, I have no idea). Up till now I've been counting up the days, I made it to 100 days, I made it 150. Now, I am counting down. Yes, I am still counting until it will be 200, 250, 300, days and so forth but, now it makes sense to also countdown. 82 days until I go to Paris, 155 days until I leave sweden, the list goes on. Its that weird middle time now. Where I've been through so many days and months already and I still have many days and months lefts that the time is all kind of just swimming around me, and I almost feel as if I am drowning in it all. Ten months is a long time to think about, and I realize that now. Before I came here I never really understood the implications of ten months away from home. One thing that this exchange has done for me is made me understand that I am just sixteen. I do not know everything, and that I still have a lot to learn, which I now believe is a very vital lesson to learn and a lesson I am glad that I did learn. 

So, that's what the last month has been like in the crazy life of me. Had some wonderful times, some hard ones, and I learned from both of them. I am glad I finally was able to write it out and get it out of my brain, that has really helped. Hope everyone is doing well, and I'll talk to you guys soon! 

Sixteen

Tomorrow is my 16th birthday, and I honestly can't believe it. Like wow. But what is even more amazing is thinking about where I was at this time when I turned 15. I was a freshman, stressing about my biology final, wondering what the next year would bring, not even thinking that coming to Sweden would be in the cards. I think that that just goes to show how quickly things can change. I mean, I guess this wasn't a very quick change, I knew it 6 months before I was coming to Sweden, but it is still very drastic. But anyway, in my mind 16 is kinda a big deal, I mean if I was in Alaska I would be able to drive by myself and just for some reason is seems like 16 is just SO much older than 15 even though it really isn't. Still just some teenager. It's not like tomorrow I'm going to wake up and look totally different (well, I hope not), I'm not going to feel any different probabaly, or act any differently. Which makes me wonder why our society today makes such a big deal about birthdays. Like "wow, you lived another year! Congrats, let's give you presents for doing absolutely nothing besides getting older which is something everyone does!" Don't get me wrong, I love birthdays, I just don't quite get why we as people make such a big deal. I mean, I have never seen a squirrel or a moose set up birthday decorations and sing happy birthday.

It's going to be quite weird celebrating without my parents this year. Not having them come into my room at zero dark thirty, singing 'ja, må hon leva' while I pretend to be asleep until they scream at the end of song and eating cake and openin presents before school. It's almost like it doesn't feel real, that it's not actually my birthday tomorrow. 

 

So, a side note. I actually did write this post a month ago the day before my birthday with total intentions of posting it, I just didn't and I haven't gotten around to it in a while. (clearly, so sorry about that) I do want to say something about my actually birthday now that is is over and done with. 

My birthday was a great day, lots of congratulations, a wonderful dinner and celebration with great family friends but, I want to share a story with you. The morning of my birthday, I was waiting for my bus, just standing there like any other day and it kind of hit me like a train that wow, I'm not going to see my friends for another 6 months, I haven't seen my parents in 4 months and how excited I was to see them. I honestly almost started crying, which is something I hardly ever do or feel like doing. It was this time of great celebration, because as I said society just loves to make a grand deal about birthdays but, I couldn't help but feel this great feeling of sadness and joy all at the same time. It was confusing to say the least. Especially since in the U.S. 16 is kind of a age where you are expected to gain more responsiblity (I mean, they let us drive on our own), be more grown up, and yet still expected to abide by all of these rules set by schools and by our parents. It's almost as confusing as the feelings of sadness and joy I was feeling that morning at the bus stop. So, that was my birthday, I am going to write a whole separate blog now depicting my time here in Sweden with my family and the time afterwards, so I'll talk with you there! 

ONE HUNDRED + THANKSGIVING

Okay, I first want to say how sorry I am for taking so long to update. It has just been crazy and whenever I sat down to write, I either could not think of anything to write, or whatever I did write was just plain bad, so I ended not posting it. Sad, but truthful. Sorry to all!

Last week I had my 100th day in Sweden. To me, that is just crazy. Just thinking about everything that has happened so far and everything that is to come just astounds me, being able to be here and able to be going through all these wonderful, sometimes though experiences. 100 isn't that big of a number in the long run of life, that I know, but right now, right here, it is a big accomplishment for me. Just thinking about how much has happened in these 100 plus days makes me wonder what will happen in the next 100.

Today is Thanksgiving in America and it just makes me think about how thankful I am to be here. I am missing my family a lot, especially today, because thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays but, only 19 days till I get to see them!!! YAY!

I have recently been walking around a lot, just exploring the different areas of town and taking pictures. I have come to really love walking, it really clears my head and lets me think and just listen to some music without distractions. It makes me almost forget everything crazy going on, like missing my friends and family and just try and focus on the positives.

Being here in Sweden has made me really get into photography, as some have probably noticed if you follow me in other places... It is just something I really like to do. I know some must be thinking, oh geez, just another teenager with an iPhone, which is basically what I am now, but I do really want to get better and be able to express myself through the photographs I take. I read this quote that I really love and it goes like: "A camera stops time when we can't," - Mark Polish. That quote really sticks with me. It is so simple yet it says so much. Taking photos to me is exactly that, being able to stop a moment in time when you capture an image. I can't really describe it, but there is just this beauty in photos to me that just makes me really love taking them.

Well, this was a very scattered and short blog, I will be posting more blogs now, hopefully, I cannot make promises, but I do try very hard to post them, they just sadly get pushed to the bottom of my to do list. I hope everyone in America eats their little hearts out today, stuffing themselves with all the wonderful Thanksgiving food. Everyone can eat my portion too! :) Talk (write?) to you guys soon! ~ 

And it goes on

The past month has been interesting. I guess not in the sense of "oh, I went skydiving yesterday and today I'm going swimming with sharks," it's more in the way of how I am starting to adapt to life over here. It's becoming normal to me. Speaking and listening to Swedish is getting easier and every week I seem to be learning quicker and quicker. It's like this uphill battle is finally coming to a plateau. It's weird how we has humans can get used to a new thing or situation so quickly. Well, I mean, relatively quickly in my case... I once read this article with this study on human adaptation. They got a group of people together and had them put on glasses that made the world look upside down to them. It took most of the people three days to adapt to the new glasses and after those three days they started to see the world right side up again. Then, they were told to take off the glasses. And you know what happened? Their world turned upside down again without them. And again, it took three days for them to get used to it and see the world right side up again. I love that story, it's crazy to think that not only on an emotional level does it take time to get used to something and then things tend to go back to normal, but also on a biological level. 

I keep thinking about what I'd be doing at certain moments if I was back in Alaska right now. Like, would I be liking the classes I would've taken? How much friend drama would be going on? How would swimming be going? I constantly think about how my life would be different if I hadn't come. But, I also have the weird thought of what if my life was reversed? What if I was from Borås, and I grew up here and this year I would be an exchange student in Alaska? Would I have the same friends? Would I have the same worries and woes as I had coming over here if I was going over there? It's just a totally weird concept to think about. 

I am though, beginning to really miss everyone at home. I miss just having conversations with people. I even miss the people I don't interact with on a daily basis but, just see in the hallways at school, that comfortable similarity. My heart almost aches at times when I think about what my friends are doing. Like, just thinking about all the conversations I'm missing, all the joys and heartbreaks, it's a pretty sucky feeling to have. But, I must say that this last month had made me realize that it's all worth it. Missing everyone is so worth what an awesome adventure this is. That may sound selfish, but I feel like it's more compensating and trying to see the sliver lining. 

In a week I have Höstlov, which is a week off from school and I am going to Germany to visit an exchange student who was at Service last year for the week. (I know, 2 1/2 months in Sweden and I already want to get out) ;) No just kidding. I think one of the best things about living in Europe is that the rest of Europe isn't too far away. No jetlag, no super expensive and long flights. It's awesome. It's funny, what all of us Americans idolize about Europe, most people over here idolize about The States. It's just like with girls and their hair, girls with curly hair want straight hair and girls with straight hair want curly. Humans seem to me like they want what they don't have. But, I think it's good to idolize about things like other countries and keep that hope and exploration open. 

So, I'll keep adapting, idolizing, and hopefully learning, all the while having one of the best experiences of my life. 

Language

The human brain amazes me. How, we as humans, as little kids even, are able to learn language. How the brain is able to make since of this crazy gibberish, called English or Swedish or even Arabic, coming out of somebody's mouth, and in turn make that same gibberish come out of our mouth as well. Like, that's insane! And I am now just realizing that, because well, I guess my brain is doing the same thing. It's insane how that works, how even though I've only been in Sweden for a month and a half, and I am able to order at restaurants, buy clothes, check out at the grocery store, and even somewhat understand my teachers (with the exception of physics, but I'm not sure I would understand that class in English either so...;)) I just don't think there is any good way to express this matter over text, expect for to say how much this whole language thing astoundes me. And those who have heard me discuss this matter know how weird I find it. 

The other thing that totally wigs me out is how, not only with Swedish, but with any given language, that it is the respective person's English. That that is the way they think, and dream. They don't spend time translating everything into English and then understand. They just hear it and understand it, I mean I know that's how English is with me, but it's just so weird. I must sound like a crazy person right now, but it's true, I just cannot fathom these ideas in my brain. At. All. 

Anyways, I was also thinking about how we as humans are creatures of habit. And I myself am oh so very much a creature of habit. Take right now for instance, I am sitting in the café that I go to pretty regularly, sitting in the exact same place that I have always sat in with the same exact music blaring in my ears. But, that comforts me, how the situation around a person can change so drastically, but the person doesn't seem to change all that much. How, even though I am 4,000 miles away from home, I am still the same person. My music tastes haven't changed, my "sense of humor" hasn't changed, and even the way I learn and keep notes hasn't changed. I might've acquired some new habits, like drinking coffee and milk (I know, weird right?!), eating boiled potatoes, and dressing a little nicer. But, should we really call those type of things changes or evolutions? Do humans ever really change, or do they just evolve? And I know, I know, every scientist will say, "you yourself are not evolving, you are the result of it," but this is on an emotional level. Even if those "changes" are for the worse, you are still evolving from your former self. (Wow, am I babbling, or what?!) 

And so, I continue to evolve, and adapt to my surroundings.  

Potato, Potato

Have you ever heard the joke with the blond, brunette, and the red head, and the police are chasing them so they run into a barn and the brunette hides with the pigs, the red head with the cows and the blond in a bin of potatoes? (yeah, I thought so, but I'll keep going.) So, when the police come into the barn they look in the pig pen, but all they hear are pigs so they move on. Then, they look with the cows but again, all they hear is mooing. But, when they go to look in the bin of potatoes, the blond goes 'Potato, Potato!' ... All in all, not one of the best jokes but, still kinda funny.

I thought a little joke at the beginning would make this easier to write...because to be honest here, I cannot think of anything to write. Life has been mundane. Well, mundane as it can be in a foreign country. I've been going to school, swim, hanging out with friends and family, everything is going quite well. Expect, I feel as if I am just going through the motions of life, and not really living it. I feel as if I'm on a boat out at sea, and in the distance to my left is the USA and everything comfortable to me and on the right, not so far away into the distance is Sweden and everything not to comfortable. I can't make up my mind. I still feel as if I'm coming home in the near future. It is like I am unconsciously not trying to make a lot of ties over here, because my brain still thinks that I'll be home with everything I'm used to in a month or two.

Don't get me wrong, coming home has crossed my mind more than a lot. I constantly go from feeling like I can make it the year to searching Delta for the next available flight. It is that constant change in my mind that frightens me. I'm halfway in between. Stuck. But, the challenge is good for me. I do like that it is harder than I thought. I couldn't live with myself if I came home.

Not to sound like a broken second but, everything over here is so different. Hell, even my last name changed. And that freaks me out, it seems as if its not really me over here. Lets just say its been kinda hard adjusting to things, even little things like the cadence of peoples voice, and the way swedes suck in air to agree with you, instead of just nodding in agreement.

But, life goes on, each day arises a new challenge and sometimes, a new victory. 

Rain, Rain, Go Away

So, I have made the executive decision of only having one blog post a week. I decided that writing two a week, plus all of the other things I have going on would be too much. Besides, who wants to read about my life twice a week? I cannot think of anyone except probably my mother...

Everything has been getting better each day. I'm starting to get used to life here. Starting to know where things in town are (not that Borås is a huge town), and I'm getting to know people in my class. I must say though, that it is weird walking around in a school where you don't know really anyone. I mean, I might not know everyone at Service, but when I walk in the hallways there I recognize people, I see similar faces. Here, there's a new blonde around every corner. I also miss being with different people in every single class. That variety of types of people depending on what class you are in, ranging from Seminar to Choir. It's also strange having a different schedule everyday, it teaches you to like the steadiness of having the same classes at the same time everyday. But, life is starting to become more comfortable. I'm getting used to not seeing Oreos and peanut butter on a regular basis, and those gorgeous mountains we take far to for granted in Alaska.

Its funny to hear People talk about The States here. They say we have everything, that is must be better because its America! They seem to forget I'm from Alaska; land of the midnight sun and absolutely nothing to do besides fishing and camping on the weekends. (Not saying I don't like fishing and camping...but still, Alaska is very different from the rest of The States.) 

I love being around so much family here. I don't have any extended family is Alaksa so it's a very nice change. Being able to get to know them. I've always felt so unattached from the family life over here. 

It's amazing how much the weather changes here. Take today, it was pouring down rain this morning and cold, and now, it's sunny, a little windy and quite warm. And people don't think of takin about the weather as a bad thing, as a conversation killer. It's very much a conversation starter. Like, "oh hey, it was raining 15 minutes ago and now it's super sunny? What's up with that?" Is totally cool and actually really interesting here. 

My mom left on Saturday morning and let me say that I miss her. More than I thought. We all might bag on our parents, especially our moms as teenagers but, we do love them,

deep down. And I realize how much I took her for granted. That, you know, if something goes wrong, it will be okay, because mom is there. That if you need a shoulder to cry on, she's there. It's a very drastic change. But, I'm sure like everything else I'll get used to it. It just might take longer than, let's say, not having peanut butter and toasters. 

Regardless, life gets easier. It goes on.